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Things my dad taught me about fatherhood.
June 17, 2007

            Today is Father’s Day.  Most of you know that my Dad passed away last month after a short illness.  Today I want to talk about some things my dad taught me about fatherhood.  We don’t have children, but I still benefit from these lessons, and I trust you will too.

            It isn’t hard to think of things my Dad taught me that are extremely valuable.  It IS a little hard to speak about them right now.  In addition to the four lessons I’ll talk about today, I could pull up many more – about the way Dad treated my Mom, how he managed his money and thought about material things, how he didn’t like pets, etc. J  But I invite you to listen in as I talk about these four lessons that seem most important to me…

1.  People of all kinds are worth listening to.

            One thing that set Dad apart from most people I know was his ability and desire to sit and listen to people from all walks, to hear about their lives and ask questions about what interests them.  This is something they tried hard to teach me in my minister training because being able to do this communicates care and acceptance.  But Dad did it because he knew it was worth it to him.  It was valuable.

            Proverbs 1:5 says:

…let the wise listen and add to their learning,

    and let the discerning get guidance… (thanks to Linda Mowrer for pointing this verse out)

            I’m using that verse out of context.  In the contest of Proverbs 1, this is a recommendation to listen to the Proverbs of Solomon and add to their learning.  But it’s an apt description of Dad as he sat in his chair and listened – actively listened to people of all kinds – and added to his own learning and gained wisdom.

            In some ways, my childhood was more like those of you who grew up 20, 30 or 40 years before me than it was a typical 70s childhood.  We lived on a farm, 45 minutes from anything significant, so what did we do for entertainment?  No internet, no movie theaters or video rentals.  Playing sports was limited.  There were only three channels on TV.

            Actually what we did was get together with people – neighbors, church friends, extended family – a group of “outlaws, in-laws, crooks and straights” to quote Brooks and Dunn.  And my Dad could listen to them all and learn from them all, and as a by-product people thought he was the greatest guy in the world, and so many of these varied faces from the past showed up at his funeral.

            This is an important lesson in life for me.  People of all kinds are worth listening to.  But how is it a lesson in fatherhood?  Because each of us five boys is very different than the other four.  It was true when we were at home and it is even more true now.  Since Dad was such a good listener (a terrible term – he was a participant in every conversation; he paid attention and valued what you said) he gave us each an affirmation and blessing that we needed, that every person needs.  There was a time when I entertained the thought that I was Dad’s favorite.  Then I realized that probably each of my brothers felt that way about themselves and each of us had reason to.

            Now I would guess that in your house, Dads, the only way all your kids are alike is if you only have one (and even then, if they’re teenagers, they may be a different person each day!)  What I hope you’ll see is how much of a blessing it could be for you to learn to listen to the heart of each one of them.  This can be pretty tough, especially when they go through long stretches where they don’t seem to want to talk, or talk to YOU.  My Dad and I probably had very few significant conversations when I was 13, 14, and 15 years old because of who I was then. 

            Daniel Gilbert, from Stumbling on Happiness, talking about how our minds have a way of removing unpleasant memories:

            “I have a twenty-nine-year-old son, and I am absolutely convinced that he is and always has been one of the greatest sources of joy in my life, having only recently been eclipsed by my two-year-old granddaughter, who is equally adorable but who has not yet asked me to walk behind her and pretend we’re unrelated” (pp. 220-21).

            When your kids ask you to pick them up BEHIND the school building so no one will see the car you drive or the way you dress, good conversations are harder, and they cannot be forced.  But people of all kinds are worth listening to, especially people of all kinds who happen to be your children.  So I hope you’ll learn a lesson from my Dad, and if you haven’t been that good listener, Fathers, start being that person.  I know you have lots of other things to do – work to finish, grass to mow, fish to catch, meeting to attend, golf balls to hit – but few things are more important and few things will bless you more over time (and maybe over eternity).

 2.  Love without discipline is sentimentality; discipline without love is harshness.

            Dad didn’t actually say this.  It’s my modification of something I’ve heard.  But he lived it.  Love without discipline is sentimentality.  Discipline without love is harshness.

            The classic Scripture text on discipline is Hebrews 12:5-11, which says: 

5 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
  "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,
    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
    and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." 

7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

             I have always felt sorry for people who cannot relate to this text either because they didn’t have a father, or they had a father who did a poor job at discipline – too harsh, too infrequent, too unpredictable.  The remarkable thing about this passage is that it isn’t primarily about fathers disciplining their children but rather God disciplining HIS children.  If God is so deeply involved in disciplining his children, think about how arrogant and even idolatrous it is for us today to take discipline lightly.

            Why is discipline so important?  Why does it matter so much that parents (and especially fathers) be willing to punish children for doing wrong or failing in their responsibilities, and to commend them for doing what is right?  Well, we could give lots of practical reasons:  Parental discipline teaches kids what’s important – doing good work, respecting others, obeying the law, etc.  Parental discipline when we’re young lays the foundation for self-discipline as we grow up.  And parental discipline has the potential to keep us out of trouble later on.  I heard Bob Russell talk about how much our beliefs shape our destiny, and he said:  “If you’re the type of parent who believes that children should not be disciplined, that they should be allowed to freely express themselves and make whatever choice comes natural to them, that belief of yours is going to have a profound impact on the way they relate to you and their teachers and their Youth Minister and the guards at the State Penitentiary.

            Beyond those practical things, though, discipline has one important function that makes it so important that we dare not take the responsibility lightly.  BTW can anyone here look at this Scripture and tell me what that vital function is?

            It’s implied in verse 9.  … we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. A dad’s discipline teaches us about God.
            Dad, what is your discipline teaching about God?  That he’s abusive?  Irrational?  Uninterested?  Permissive?  Or just, fair, and consistent?

            V. 9 is one I can totally understand – Dad disciplined us and we respected him for it (years later!), and yet as I’ve grown older and met more people, I’m amazed and grieved over how many cannot because they didn’t have that kind of a father.

            My father knew that love without discipline is sentimentality; discipline without love is harshness.  Out of love for us, dad was willing to go through the short-term unpleasantness of discipline.  By “unpleasantness” I mean our protests, our unreasonable yelling that “This isn’t fair” and “you don’t love me”.  I should say that Dad never claimed when he paddled us that “This hurts me more than it hurts you.”  J  But I can see that one of the difficulties about being a parent is that it is just easier many times to let things go, do things yourself, maintain peace and quiet rather than discipline (and sometimes a wise parent WILL let things go).  But in the long run, love without discipline is just sentimentality, a feeling expressed on a greeting card, not a life-shaping force. 

             And do I need to even say that discipline without love is just harshness?  Why was it so hard for me to put up with the discipline of the vice-principal of my high school, or the science teacher who barely knew my name?  Why is there something in me even now that rebels against the command of a police officer or mall security guard?  Part of it is just sinful rebellion, and part of it is that discipline from someone who doesn’t know you is just unpleasant harshness.  Now you still have to do it, of course.  It’s an important life skill to respect and obey authority whether they like you or not.  It doesn’t work well with your dad, though.  Dads, if you’re not clearly showing love so that it’s obvious that your discipline grows out of love, then your discipline probably comes across as nothing but harshness, and in the end it may produce more rebellion than self-control.

            Love without discipline is sentimentality; discipline without love is harshness.  Speaking of love… 

3.  Love should be spoken of and shown.

            I feel badly for those who grew up in generations where fathers thought they should never say “I love you”.  Wherever that belief came from, it certainly wasn’t from the Bible.  Even in the OT where God has to repeatedly discipline his children, he pours out his love on page after page.

            And listen to Jesus speaking to his disciples and friends in John 15:

    JN 15:9 "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit--fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17 This is my command: Love each other.

            This passage remarkably combines love in word and deed.  “Deed” because he tells them to lay down their lives for each other, if needed, and commands them to love each other by taking action and treating each other well.  “Word” because he speaks openly of his love for them, and calls them his friends. 

            Allow me to repeat an illustration I used just a few months ago, before I knew Dad was dying.  When my older brother and I were small, Dad took a coffee pot lid with stamped concentric circles stamped on it and traced out a circle and said:  “See how these circles never end?  That’s how my love is for you guys.”  That embarrassed me because even at that young age, I knew it wasn’t cool to talk about such things.  But it also embarrassed me because I already knew it.  He didn’t HAVE to say it, at least not then.  But I’m glad he did.  Love should be spoken of and shown.  Fathers, if someone needs to hear you say “I love you”, say it now. 

            Spoken love isn’t enough, of course.  1 John 3:16-18, which we have consulted in our study of poverty, says:  16 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 17 If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? 18 Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.    

4.  Faith in God is the only rock you can stand on forever.

            I’ll spend only a moment here because this is the theme I talked about a few weeks ago, right after Dad’s funeral.  But it’s THE most important lesson Dad taught us during his final weeks, final days and final hours. 

            During my first couple of years here at MHCC, I got to know an elderly woman who lived at one of the nursing homes.  She wasn’t a member of MHCC, but I saw her occasionally while visiting one of our members.  She was a Christian and she always appreciated it when I took a moment to read some Scripture to her or pray with her.

            I wasn’t there when she died, but someone who WAS around as her final illness set in said that she faced death with a lot of fear and protest, crying out that she didn’t want to die.

            Now I don’t judge her, because I know that illness can ravage the mind before it takes the body, and it’s likely that she “wasn’t herself” as she said those things.  But as a young man, it bothered me to see a Christian face death - which is a milepost on the journey that ALL must pass until Christ returns – with fear and trembling.

            My dad WAS of sound mind right up till the end, and the greatest gift he gave us during his last weeks was in showing us that faith in God is the only rock you can stand upon forever. 

            Hebrews 11:1 says:  Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  It’s one of the first verses I remember discussing with Dad at length.  Dad was an engineer with a scientifically-trained mind, so in a way it was a bit surprising that he also had a strong faith.  But whenever Dad and my brother and I would talk about things like evidence that pointed to God’s existence, Dad’s attitude was:  “That’s great, but God set things up so that there will never be true evidence.  Faith is SO necessary, and with evidence you don’t need faith.”

            In my own life and in the lives of my brothers, my Dad is part of the great cloud of witnesses that Hebrews 12 speaks of when it says:  1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

            The picture on your bulletin was taken about two years ago, and it shows my parents with their five sons, five daughters-in-law and 13 grandkids.  I know they’ve been proud of us, and maybe even prouder of their grandkids.  But that doesn’t just flow one way.  Because of the way Mom and Dad conducted themselves and raised us, we’re proud of them too.  As is says in Proverbs 17:6: 

6 Children's children are a crown to the aged,
    and parents are the pride of their children. 

            Sure, there were times when I was foolish enough that I probably wished they’d walk behind me and pretend we were unrelated!  But those quickly passed as I matured, and I have come to value my Mom and Dad and take great pride in them.  And the bottom line reason is that they followed God.

            That’s what I wish for you and your family too.